The past few weeks have been incredibly lacking in goodness for me, and the worst part of the situation is that I was making that the case. There's no way to tapdance around the fact of it: I was depressed. I could not find joy in anything, and if I did feel happy for a second in spite of myself, I did everything in my power to return to negativity. I didn't want to feel good, just to wallow in sadness and to pity myself for my loneliness, when all along it was me pushing people away. I then justified how alone and friendless I felt by saying to myself, "well, if they were really my friends they would reach out to me. They're not, so forget them." I felt like the most hideous creature in the world in every sense. I hated looking in the mirror, hated what I looked like, not just in my clothes, but in my skin. I contemplated a lot of things about next year, including possibly not coming back to school and all that that entails. I kept asking God what to do and got no reply, which is certainly fitting, as in every other aspect of my life I disobeyed Him, either by ignoring Him, or by quite literally saying, "sorry, Lord, I just don't feel like having your joy and peace or doing your will right now, thank you very much." Much like Jerusalem, Jesus wanted to pull me to him like a chick under its mother's wings, but I would not allow it. I did not want to allow it, I did not feel worthy of it, and I most certainly did not deserve it.

But the past few days have been better. Every Sunday the prayer team at church prays to be shown something that needs to be prayed for that day. They received a long passage in Hebrews (3:7-:13) about not hardening your heart. Even before Melissa started telling the congregation this, I knew it was going to be about me. It took me a few minutes, but I finally went up to her and said it was for me. She prayed over me and I cried, but as soon as I admitted how disobedient I had been, the weight of it was lifted. Sunlight streamed in through the window on me, and I knew that was God, welcoming be back with open arms. I didn't have to work for his love, just accept it.

Of course, this doesn't mean the world is all skipping in fields of daisies instantly. There are a lot of hurts in me that need to be healed, and a lot of forgiveness that I still need to ask for, and believe that it has been granted. But I am less overwhelmed by everything that needs to get done in a year (which is a lot, by the way). Anxiety and fear creep up, but I am trying to be faithful in giving that over to God. He's so much better at handling it anyway.

So I guess the point of this novel is, I could still use a lot of prayer, because I am pretty much the queen of the 5 minute epiphany and then returning to the status quo. Hold me accountable; ask how things are, and if I try to squirm out of answering, just don't let me!

Oh, and hugs and encouragement are always greatly appreciated.

the night is nearly over � the day is almost here