"Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly--mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere men?"
~ 1 Corinthians 3:1-3

Whoa, Jesus, ow my skin.

I want the solid food. I want to live the real deal. I'm sick of relying on myself and coming up with nothing. You want to lavish so much upon me and I won't let you. What does that make me? Am I really saying that You don't know what's best for me? Who am I to think that I know what's best?

I want Your will in my life. I want to live Your plan. But Lord, I just don't know what it is. I don't know my calling or my election, so what do I have to be sure of? I want to go out and see more than a reed swayed by the wind. I want to live the Word. I have the map, but I...I just...

Lord, I feel so helpless.

I need to look a lot harder at my map. I think I may still be holding it too far away in spite of myself.

I know not what will happen to me, and that scares me. But I need to stop leaning on my own understanding, and the understanding of others, and lean solely on the understanding of One.

I admit now, for the first time ever, that I know practically nothing. Nothing of eternal value. But I want to know; I do.

It's like, I know that in all things, I will be fine. I know that You are with me always. I'll be ok. But what will I be doing as I live that ok-ness; where will I be and who will I be with?

I keep hearing Jaci Velasquez in my head God: "what have I to offer to a world in need?" And I'm so frightended, because I don't know what I have to offer. I want to know. I hate feeling useless.

I'm still alive
That much is true
I've never lied
Well I guess I've told a few
There's nothing to see
Because I brought nothing to show
The conversation got to deep
I shrug and tell you I don't know
This life can get so hard
This world can be so cruel
Sometimes I fall apart
I feel just like a useless tool
~Relient K

the night is nearly over † the day is almost here