All the songs that are striking a chord with me right now come from around 1997 and '98. What is that about? I'm sitting here listening to the songs that hit me hard when I was 14 and 15 years old, and my heart is being hit in the exact same way. I'm filled with longing to fly away. To start something new. And there's a bit of meloncholy too, as I realize that this flight really ought to have taken place two years ago.

It's not that I really regret taking two years off after high school. I had fully planned on taking the first year off becuase I didn't want to start college while I was still 17. The second year just kinda fell in behind it without my really feeling a whole lot about it at the time. But by now I know that I need to start a new chapter.

This whole going to HACC in the fall thing; I don't really know how I feel about it. I do want to do it, in a way. But there's also a part of me that knows I'm considering it mostly so I have something to show for myself. I still honestly do not know what I want to do with the rest of my life. As far as theater and acting go, it really seems that God has left that solely up to me, based on how willing I am to pursue it. And at this point, I really don't know. I'm afraid of the finality of choosing it I guess. Am I willing to stamp it as my desire?

Am I willing to step out of my little box and attempt theater in a different venue? I think that's what really scares me. I've never done theater outside of YFC except for drama class my junior year. But that was still safe inside the walls of my high school. Can I go out of what I know?

Speaking of my high school, I really need to call them and ask about how I get my transcripts and stuff. It's sad, but I don't even know how to go about doing that. Silly girl that I was senior year, I never bothered to figure any of that stuff out, cuz I had already determined not to go to college right away. I am lame.

Thankfully, Dweezil, who is by far the most awesome best friend ever and should receive a reward for devoted helpfulness, picked up an application and financial aid form for me. She is, as Coach Z would say, "da barmb."

As for working, I know that I need a job. I know this. I want a job, I really do. I just need to find something that I will not want to pull my hair out doing, and it needs to be something that I can actually get to. I need to finish filling out the Borders app and run it over there. Cuz the whole living at Dweezil's would be cool. It wouldn't be real independence, which I wouldn't be able to handle anyway, but it's a step towards it. An itty-bitty baby step, but a step nonetheless.

I'm praying about pulling out of Guys and Dolls. The whole up in the air nature of my summer and the fact that, as of now, I can't make it to half of the rehearsals just make it seem really ill-fated and not worth the guilt that I've already begun to feel about not being able to give it my all.

God is truly testing my comfort zone from all sides right now. He knows I don't like having things up in the air, and what does He do? He leaves me all these crazy ideas floating above my head and makes me grasp for them.

It's like playing with bubbles as a child. I would run around like crazy, trying to pop every single bubble. I started after the largest ones first. And, inevitably, some of the smaller ones floated away, and some burst upon the ground before I could capture their fragile, rainbowed sphericality in my tiny hands. Such are all the dreams and plans that I have to choose from. I need to decide which of my aspiration-bubbles are worth chasing first, and which ones I can let go, possibly to float into oblivion or explode onto concrete. But unlike the bubbles of my youth, I have to face the demise of dreams without pouting.

Someone told me once that you can kind of put the lyrics to "Closing Time" by Semisonic into a spirtual perspective. And as I listen to it now, (as I am so stuck in 1997) I can kinda feel that. If you look at the finishing of whiskey and beer as finishing your sinful life and all that.

Closing time - open all the doors and let you out into the world.
Closing time - turn all the lights on over every boy and every girl.
Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go out to the places you will be from.
Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or your sisters come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits -
I hope you have found a friend.
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.
Yeah,

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - time for you to go out to the places you will be from...

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...

Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

I do indeed know Who I want to take me home. But as that is most likely a long way off, I need to figure out what He wants for me in the here and now.

And I know that I am on the brink of something. I can feel it in my bones. My dreams seem so much more tangible. I can taste the future, and it's remarkably likened to blood, sweat and tears. But there's bliss and joy and hope all wrapped up in the mix too.

But I need to step out in my faith, or I have no future to chase. It seems faith is the hardest tonic to swallow tonight.

And now that I've rambled all over the place, it's time to chase a much more immediate goal : sleep. G'night loves.

the night is nearly over † the day is almost here