Words to describe how I feel; number 1 would have to be irrational. Followed by: vitriolic, abandoned, ignored, left-out, lacking, and unspecial. OK, so I don't think unspecial is technically a word. But I want to just be as vociferous as possible, and unleash an uinbridled invictive on people. You can tell I'm unbalanced, I'm breaking out all the ten cent words. What the heck is up with that? Here I am, trying to express the raw emotion within me, and it's just coming off as indignant pontificating with this whacked out vocab that is a blessing for term papers but otherwise a crippling vice, potentially alienating anyone who actually reads this anymore. Don't ever buy me a thesaurus, it's potentially dangerous in my hands.

OK, I found the poem I wanted to put on here. Here is the basic description of my frustrations...

Anger,
white hot,
that ravages my mind.
An inexplicable jealousy
that makes me imagine myself
screaming at you,
with dagger sharp words.
I don't know why it's there,
just that it throws me into agony.
I then reflect the infliction
upon myself,
cursing myself with blame.
I am horrid,
wretchedly vile,
a concoction so noxious that I should
be spat onto the ground
and pulverized into ashes,
that I might do no more harm.
I fear upsetting you,
so I then destroy myself.
My conscience is unsanitized for your protection.

Yeah, that's how my mind works sometimes. How unbalanced is that? I sometimes wonder if I'm alright mentally, if I just might be going crazy in some way. But wouldn't doubting my sanity prove in some weird way that I am sane? My mind is all ajumble right now. Ajumble, funny word, I don't know if it exists or if I"m making it up. But it's fun to say. Ajumble. Yes, I am sitting here repeating it out loud. Unbalanced. Like I honestly wonder if I'm bipolar or something.

I want to yell, cause drama of some sort. Maybe it's an actor thing. Maybe I'm just some bored, dissatisfied white girl who needs to stop complaining and take responsibility for herself and the fact that her own laziness is threatening to be her demise. I am not happy with myself right now. Djah.

Acidic. That's another word for me right now.

There are walls all around me. Which ones are true obastacles, and which ones are my petty cop-out excuses?

the night is nearly over † the day is almost here