I'm ready for a change. Ready for something to happen. I feel like I'm on the brink of something, something big, but I have no idea what that could be. I need to get on this whole college thing. I need to get on the whole license thing. I'd like to get on the whole boyfriend thing. But there's one big thing I need to master first. The God thing. I need to get closer. To kick myself in the butt and have more God time. I need to pray more, to reflect more, to read the Bible more.

I miss people. I feel lonely and isolated, not just because the play is over. I've been feeling it for a while. I felt alienated. And like the stupid girl that I am, it took me far too long to realize that I've been alienating myself. I do that. I separate myself when in a situation where I don't know what to say or how to act with people, but then I do it so much that I put a huge chasm between them and me. I need to stop putting up walls, and work through my self imposed awkwardness.

I want to lose weight. I'm not saying I'm obese, I know that I'm not, but I don't feel good about myself anymore. It's always mattered to me in the way that it matters to most people, but I've begun to feel... unpretty. Begun to feel that it's another wall between me and other people. I know that that's a silly notion. And if anyone would refuse to be my friend because of the way I look, I wouldn't want them for my friend anyway. But I hate feeling like the fattest person in my group of friends. Most of the girls I know are tiny, and it hurts to feel like the fat friend. Like I'm the one in the group that the guys wish would go away so they can hit on the hot girls without making me feel bad. And I hope that's all in my head too.

I want a guy to sing for me. No, not for me. To me. A beautiful song with words of love. And I want him to mean every word; I want to see the love written in his eyes.

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When the moon was young,
When the month was May,
When the stage was hung for my holiday,
I saw shining lights, but I never knew,
They were you, they were you, they were you.

When the dance was done
When I went my way,
When I tried to find rainbows far away,
All the lovely lights seemed to fade from view,
They were you, they were you, they were you.

When the secret pray'r, Every fancy free,
Everything I dared for both you and me.
All my wildest dreams multiplied by two.
They were you, they were you, they were you

Without you near me, I can't see
When you're near me, wonderful things come to be
They were you, they were you, they were you.
~from the Fantasticks
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I always thought of myself as so smart. I'm intelligent. I have a high IQ. But in certain aspects I am just plain dumb. I lack the people skills. I always thought I was a people person, a social person. Where did that go? When did I lose my carefree attitude, my magnetism? I want to be attractive, in that I want people to want to be around me.

Smile, little Ahmetai, smile. And talk. Talk to your friends. They love you. Even when you're being a loser dork who pulls away from them, they love you.

Stupid me, I just now realized that one too. It's not too late for me.

the night is nearly over † the day is almost here