I know I just wrote in here, but I think I've had a startling revelation about myself.

Maybe my problem isn't figuring out what to do or what I feel. Maybe my problem is that I'm scared to figure things out. Afraid that I'll conclude something that I don't want to. Afraid to let go of old feelings. Afraid of a lot of things, and naive about many others.

I once heard that there are two types of people in this world - those that are strong and meant to survive, living with no regrets; and those that are weak and spend every day wanting to give up. And as it stands right now, I'm afraid I'm in the second category.

But I believe that I can change that. I can strengthen myself against my fears and doubts. I'll have to let go of things. I'll have to move on and try new things. I have to talk to people and go to places and learn how to live. Because I really don't.

I always thought myself to be pretty independent. But I've realized that I just am not. I have no idea what to do or where to go, but no one else can tell me.

My life is in my own hands now. And that scares me more than anything else. Cuz if I screw it up, it's my own fault and I can't blame anyone else for my faults or shortcomings or failures. And I fear that I closed doors in my youth that are now locked and I have no keys for them. That I've semi-screwed myself over.

But I know what I have to do. I have to rely on my God, my Father, my Holy, Holy Lord to guide me on the path He has for me. Cuz He has wonderful things in store for me, I know that in the bottom of my heart.

And I need to stop running from Him and trying to hide, because I can't. I have to admit that I can't do it alone. Because I can't.

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I come into this place. Burning to receive Your peace. I come with my own chains. From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain. You're my God and my Father. I've accepted Your Son. But my soul feels so empty now. What have I become? Lord, come with Your fire. Burn my desires refine me. Lord, my will has deceived me. Please come and free me. Refine me, refine me. My heart can't see. When I only look at me. My soul can't hear. When I only think of my own fears. They are gone in a moment. You're forever the same. Why did I look away from You? How can I speak Your name? Lord, come with Your fire. Burn my desires refine me. Lord, my will has deceived me. Please come and free me. Come rescue this child. For I long to be reconciled to You. Refine me... All I can do. Is lift my heart, my soul to You. And pray, and pray. Oh I will pray...

~"Refine Me"

sung by Jennifer Knapp

the night is nearly over † the day is almost here